dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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