I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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