i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
