you have to choose: penises or morals?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
