I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
