Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
