My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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