God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
