im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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