i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
