I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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