i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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