took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
birth control should be required to get into college
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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