Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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