just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
