My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
