dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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