Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize