someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize