My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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