it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
