It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
