id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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