You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
