I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
