My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize