i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
