bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
