If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize