just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
