yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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