I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
this hospital has no fireball
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
