It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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