JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
