doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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