Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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