She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
