I hate all girls vehemently.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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