theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
