Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I didn't notice because vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
