Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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