Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
