Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
