I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
