look no pants
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
