I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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