He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
