Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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