i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
