I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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