Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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