dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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