I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
