I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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