Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
