i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
