I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
