I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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