my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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