woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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