I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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