Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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