i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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