Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
