Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
