Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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