it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
